Things I'm Excited About This Week:
1. the stairs at the Natural History Museum at Amherst College
The rest of the museum is cool too, but the stairs are by far the best part. They are this amazing grey stone that is flecked with all kinds of intrusions and possibly fossils. I wanted to get down on my hands and knees to check them out, but was cognizant of presenting a potential hazard.
2. biology lab
I dread the lab every week and it brings out all my insecurities, phobias, and ornerisms, but it never fails to lift my spirits. My lab partner is a total kook - I both like and resist her more each week. The hands-on stuff is great and the martyr in me loves the fact that the lab is so damn long and arduous, even when it's fun.
3. my little room
I am quite depressed to be back in the House of Doom but I do love my little room. (Eat that, Emily Dickinson.) It's cozy and I have lots of pretty, homy, sentimental things. Plus, I have lots of books, a great bed, a cushy chair by the window, and several air-moving/purifying devices that make enough noise to drown out the fact that I live with two other people and a dog.
4. Henry James
What an insane man he is. "The Jolly House" is like some gothic horror story of the mind, like Freud trapped inside the rapidly firing neurons of his own brain.
5. self-pity mixed with self-aggrandizement
I am feeling sorry for myself for having to leave the amazing house/dog-sitting gig and simultaneously congratulating myself for doing such a fantastic job that Lee wrote me a very touching letter of thanks. There's nothing better for the neurotic, borderline depressive than this combination!
6. long-distance love
This situation fulfills some of the requirements stated above. I get to feel sorry for myself for being so far away from my love, while congratulating myself on the depth of my own feeling.
7. books, books, books
I found www.librarything.com, which lets me fill hours categorizing my books. I also joined an online non-book group started by my friend Sara, which allows me to publicize my reading habits and get great recommendations from the other members.
So, it's a pretty good week, even though it feels angsty and alarming. Spring Break was relaxing and full of warmth (even though it snowed twice) and it feels very vertiginous to be back in school, racing towards the finish line. What is next? everyone asks me and then we all cringe. I have three appealing summer plans, which should be a great circumstance, but instead leaves me feeling that I will disappoint someone no matter what I choose. And it feels impossible to figure out what I really want to do. I have to think that I will be able to choose when the time is right. If all the options are good ones, then how bad can the future possibly be?
