I've landed in another safe haven. Perhaps I should liken myself to a beautiful species of migratory bird, possessed of rare stamina and a plangent appreciation for distance. Instead, I am too self-absorbed to liken myself to anything but myself. I, me, my self, brain, body, ego, chemical makeup, whatever we want to call this collection of feelings and impulses; whatever we call it, it's flooded its banks and taken over. I realized yesterday that I have been so focused on not overstaying my welcome, not asking too much, not taking up too much space, that I've overlooked the feelings of those around me. In other words, I've been so hypersensitive to what people might be thinking that I've missed what they are actually thinking. This is not the first time I've encountered this problem. I suspect that my monomania, which masquerades as sensitivity, empathy, and just plain "nice"-ness, often leads me into this paradox. My narcissism manifests itself as social paranoia, which results in me acting in a way that gets coded as kind. I am nice to others because I fear for myself.
Update from the tangible world: I am enjoying blueberries and toast. This is my first breakfast toast in many weeks. Today's heat is predicted to be oppressive. Inside the house, with all the windows closed, it is still cool and I am glad for my morning coffee. The bed lies in disarray on the floor, waiting for me to gather the wherewithal to lift it back onto its frame. The dense heaviness of a futon mattress reminds me of a limp body, always more weighty and unwieldy to lift than I would suspect.
I had nightmares last night - the kind that involve not only terror but the threat of physical harm and death. I don't remember what was happening in them, only how relieved I was to wake up. I forced myself to stay awake a few extra minutes before going back to sleep, hoping to sweep the final traces of the previous dream from my unconscious. Those moments are always particularly poignant for me, as my conscious, waking, limited mind tries to predict what my unconscious, sleeping, unlimited mind needs. Somewhat like ruling a vast kingdom from a tiny castle, I would imagine.