I've been thinking a lot about self-presentation. I noticed (not for the first time) that I tend to represent myself in a relentlessly negative light. This comes up when I get together with friends I haven't seen in a while, when people ask me about my job/goals/plans for the future, and when I'm figuring out what descriptors to use on social and career networking sites (eg Facebook, LinkedIn, etc). I've been spending time on LinkedIn lately and it really triggers those negative feelings. At first, I didn't want to invite anyone to be in my network, for fear that I would "poison" them with my lack of ambition and chronic temp work. Of course, my friends and acquaintances were not nearly as worried about this as I was (or at least were kind enough not to say so). As I added more connections, I began to look at their job/career/profession titles, and those in their extended networks. At first, this reinforced my feelings of inferiority - I seemed to be the only one who didn't have a "real" title, and, by extension, a "real" job. However, upon closer examination, I realized that the difference was not in the occupation, but in the NAMING. Most people choose to name themselves after the best-case scenario: the job they hope/want/expect to have. This creates the illusion of success, or the state of already-having-achieved whatever it is. This revelation must seem old-hat to anyone who has studied business, met with a career counselor, or read any kind of self-help book written in the last 100 years, but it is exciting news to me! Yet it is also a reminder that my limitations are self-imposed, and thus exceedingly hard to remove. When I try to imagine an ideal future, I stall completely and become transfixed by my own inertia. Friendly, well-meaning attempts to jostle me into dreaming or fantasizing or brainstorming possibilities only make me feel more stubbornly stuck in the same old rut. I don't want help, because part of the whole myth of adulthood that is so stultifying in the first place is that I should be able to do this myself.

I think that a small improvement might be possible: to find a way to present myself and my current life in a kinder, more positive light. The fear is that people are judging me negatively, so I should point out all my faults so they know I'm at least not ignorant and unaware, as well as being unsuccessful, lazy, ineffective, et al. But perhaps I could allow other people's judgments to come from them, without prejudicing them aforethought. There is always the possibility that if I felt good about myself, others would follow suit. Imagine that.